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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238261">Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkeye47836/pseuds/hawkeye47836'>hawkeye47836</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Do Not Stand At My Grave [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Adventure Zone (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Heavy Angst, Not Canon Compliant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:47:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>719</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238261</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkeye47836/pseuds/hawkeye47836</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It should have been him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Do Not Stand At My Grave [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749484</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It should have been him.</p>
<p>Merle wants to be able to think, wants to move, to act, to <em>fix this, dammit</em>, but he’s trapped in a loop. He’s casting about in the dark, and no matter from which direction he approaches the problem, he can’t seem to find the next logical thought to follow <em>it should have been me</em>.</p>
<p>“It should have… it should have been me…” He realizes that someone is talking nearby, then is startled to find that it’s him. Outside of his own voice, everything is eerily still. The wind has died down, the battle-wagons have come to a rest, and no one is shouting. Not anymore.</p>
<p>It’s odd, Merle thinks distantly, how quiet everything is now. Magnus is always so loud. Magnus always fills up the whole room. Magnus always <em>rushes in</em>. Magnus is… he’s…</p>
<p>He’d seen it happening as if in slow motion but hadn’t been able to stop it. No, scratch that - Merle had seen it happening and hadn’t even thought to <em>try </em>to stop it. Sure, it was a ridiculous plan. They all knew that The Raven wasn’t going to have a sudden change of heart, that walking into arms reach of that vine monster was a terrible idea, that only ranged attacks would stand a chance against Sloane’s new, gigantic, sash-enhanced form. Still, when Magnus had decided to do what he did best and rush in, Merle hadn’t so much as lifted a finger to stop him.</p>
<p>Maybe he’d hoped that the big man’s lovable personality would work some kind of miracle and win Sloane back from the thrall of the Relic. Maybe he’d hoped that Magnus would have an uncharacteristic stroke of homicidal intent and decide to use Railsplitter to chop the vine-monster in half, Sloane and all. Maybe he hadn’t had any concrete hopes whatsoever but had naively assumed that Magnus - strong, boisterous, enthusiastic Magnus - would simply be fine, come whatever. That no matter the odds, he’d prevail and limp back home with them every time.</p>
<p>There’s a hand on Merle’s shoulder. He looks back and up into the face over his shoulder and tells Taako earnestly, desperately, voice cracking, what he can’t seem to stop thinking. “It should have been <em>me</em>.”</p>
<p>Taako, to his credit, does not try to convince him otherwise. Not yet. Instead, he blinks rapidly and tightens his hand, clutching Merle’s shoulder as if by holding on hard enough he can protect his friend. It’s a nice gesture, but it’s hollow. There is no protection here. Their party is down one protection fighter.</p>
<p>Jerking suddenly, Merle shrugs Taako’s hand off his shoulder and rises, clutching his X-treme Teen Bible and shaking his head rapidly. Behind him, Taako is speaking but Merle isn’t listening. Magnus doesn’t need Merle’s self-pity and he definitely doesn’t need his inaction: what Magnus needs is <em>healing</em>.</p>
<p>The first spell fizzles out on contact, but Merle doesn’t let that phase him. That’s fine, he thinks. Magnus is always giving him shit about what a terrible cleric he is, after all. Well, Merle will show him. Merle will heal this, will <em>fix this</em>, and then Magnus will stand up and rub his neck, will be sheepish, will apologize for worrying everyone. Magnus will stand up, and everything will be okay. Everything will be okay, just as soon as Merle <em>heals </em>him.</p>
<p>It’s only after his fifth attempt at a Healing Word that Merle realizes he’s out of spell slots. Behind him, Taako is crying silently, looking stricken. Hurley and Sloane are nowhere to be seen, having disappeared together moments after the battle ended. Merle steels himself and looks back at Magnus… then blinks.</p>
<p>The once rough, rocky terrain of Goldcliff is now a lush, flowering field. Plant-life of all kinds bursts, vibrant and wild, from every available inch of soil. In the middle, Magnus lays still, looking peaceful. A delicate flowering vine snakes along his body from crown to boots, caressing the body of one of the best men Merle has ever known.</p>
<p>A long moment passes in complete silence. <em>It should have been me</em>, Merle thinks again, helplessly. <em>Pan, why him? It should have been</em> me.</p>
<p>“We should… we should get back to the moon, I guess,” Taako pipes up from behind him. Merle doesn’t say anything.</p>
<p>There’s nothing left to say.</p>
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